After WTI we rolled into the madness of RA selection which, while thrilling (please see my previous post for a more thorough explanation of just how thrilling) was also exhausting. I become so personally invested in the process and really, truly wanted to make sure I was building the best staff possible that it took a lot out of me. There were so many possibilities and options and scenarios that get perpetuated throughout the process that the day of selection is almost a let down. The whole inertia of the insanity suddenly ends and since we don't really get to interact with our new staff in their entirety until April, that excitement gets put into a holding pattern.
Then, before I knew it, it was the beginning of March and I found myself almost surprised to be packing up for eight days in Chicago at NASPA. I worked in my office until 3am to try to be prepared to leave and didn't even come close. No sleep the night before, a four hour flight, four days of interviewing RD candidates for a job that doesn't really exist (we only have an anticipated opening) and then suddenly I'm presenting for my very first time. I was so tired and dragging that I didn't even hang out with my BG friends which I'm now kicking myself for because I really could have used a little perspective. They are such wonderful people and this was literally the only time I could see them and I decided to stay in our hotel room instead. Who does that? It made a lot of sense at the time, but I'm really regretting it. I also wasn't as impressed with NASPA as I would have hoped. It wasn't nearly as fulfilling as my previous experiences with ACPA and there was only one session that really kept me awake and engaged.
This brings me to last week. We flew in on Wednesday around 1pm, I taught my Leadership class at 3pm, immediately went shopping for staff development supplies, then had a two hour staff meeting. I was so tired, cranky and irritable that I snapped a few times on my staff when they really did not deserve it. I got to bed around 11pm or midnight and then woke up at 4am (yes, you read that right...4am) to go to Midnight Mission with MESA to serve breakfast to 562 people in 45 minutes. It was insane on an entirely new level. Even as I write this it is hard to complain about how tired I am when, in all actuality, I don't know what tired really is. Tired is sleeping on the street or getting your kids up at 5am to get what may be the only hot meal of the day at the local shelter. I realize this. I realize my privilege and my status and the resources that are available to me. However, something I've been forcing myself to work on is that my experiences are valid and they matter. My problems are not less important just because I think they aren't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Phew...glad I got that out of the way. Let me continue.
Thursday started off with service which was great, but I failed to realize that I signed up for a week of duty after being in LA for less than 24 hours after being gone for a week. It did not start off well. I really wish that confidentiality didn't apply because some of the duty stories in my head right now are just begging to be told and processed and attempted to make sense of in my head. I was up until about 5am on Thursday, had a full day of follow-up on Friday and then got a duty call, no joke, at 8pm, 10pm, 12am, 2am, 4am, 6am, 8am, 10am, and noon on Saturday. It was pretty surreal. At one point I was convinced that campus wanted to prepare me for a baby because I didn't get more than an hour of sleep in between all of the calls. During the day on Saturday I had a lot more follow-up and then was up until 4am on Saturday as well. Did I mention that I lost an hour of sleep due to Daylight Savings Time? Le sigh...
Sunday brought CollegeFest. Oh, CollegeFest...you are such a good idea on paper. Let's have a free, outdoor concert during the early afternoon on a weekend. Great. Sign me up. I'd be the first one there...if I was a student. What this really equates to is student pre-gaming starting around 10 or 11am and then showing up to the concert unable to speak, stand, walk or honestly, enjoy the concert. Did I mention that there is also a beer garden, sponsored and staffed by Student Affairs for 21+ students? CollegeFest brought to me several alcohol assessments, including one that lasted nearly two hours which is basically how long it takes for someone to sober up. I was actually a little surprised (and very grateful) that nobody was transported, but I chalk that up to our great student EMTs who were able to treat a lot of issues on scene that would have normally necessitated a hospital visit. I still found myself up until the wee hours of the morning with students and was in some sort of crazy frame of mind on Monday. I was just spent, done, cashed out. I had four different RAs tell me that I should go home and a Public Safety officer asked me if I had the flu. To top it off I was asked to respond to a duty situation that I honestly felt like I had no place responding to and it just put me over the edge.
I struggle with our duty system. I absolutely agree that we are a high touch campus and need to support our students when they are at their best, but also when they are at their worst. However, I think that same care and concern should be reflected towards our professional staff. I'm not sure what the solution is, but when I found myself in tears while on the way to a duty call and then hugging the toilet this morning from what I think was sheer exhaustion, something needs to change. Maybe it is having weekend (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday) shifts versus weekday shifts so at least you could recover during the week. I've found that the combination of duty and other obligations have made it next to impossible to be focused and present while in my office.
This brings me to my next point. I feel like I have been really absent lately in my building. I know that some of that is due to my conference attendance, but I also struggle when I pull up other RD's calendars to make appointments and see entire days without appointments. I struggle with that. I struggle when my peers ask me how I get stuff done because my calendar scares them. Part of it is my fault. Part of it is because I'll take on that responsibility. I also think that I'm seen as fairly competent and if I'm given a task it is going to get done. However, that makes it hard for me to fail. That sets me up for a continual cycle of pressure, whether it is from outside sources or from within, I'm not sure. It makes it hard to continually connect with my staff when they slide a Health and Safety form under my door with all of the "fail" column marked and in the comments they write "Be around more! We miss you!" It makes it hard when one of my RAs answers the question "What can my RD do to better support me?" and writes "My RD can better support me with these goals by taking time for herself. She always does an excellent job and know she has been exhausted lately so I just want her to be able to get as much sleep as possible." It is one thing for me to be tired and push through, but it is quite another thing for me to be so outwardly exhausted that my staff picks up on it to the point of concern for my health.
Where does this leave me? I'm not really sure. I think processing through all of it was helpful. If you've read all the way through to this point, thanks for sticking with me. I'm not sure if there is anything that can be done at this point in the game or if this is just something to look out for in the upcoming year. However, I don't think I can stay in this fog for almost two more months. We constantly say that Spring semester flies by, but maybe that's because we let it fly by. Maybe we need to be more present, more in the moment and more aware of the day-to-day workings of our staffs and communities and not just let the rest of the semester be a wash. Oh, and get more sleep. More sleep is a must.
Le sigh...
Wow, Marci. Sounds like you need to truly schedule some "You" time. And stat! While all these work commitments are important, nothing is as important as your health. Sometimes that means taking a mental health day or choosing not to take on another project. You must be your own best advocate, girl! Good luck!!
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